


Eight Days A Week

by flowerfan



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, Paperwork is hell, accounting is worse, attempt to explain some perplexing moments in Season 10, but it's not an episode coda, implied mcdanno, it's too silly, maybe even threesomes?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-19
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2021-02-13 11:30:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21493588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowerfan/pseuds/flowerfan
Summary: Danny can only take off so much time from Five-0 before HR notices… or someone gets accused of payroll fraud.A cracky team fic.
Relationships: Steve McGarrett/Danny "Danno" Williams
Comments: 28
Kudos: 115





	Eight Days A Week

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to mvernet for giving me this idea about the consequences of Danny’s numerous absences.

“Anyone seen Steve?” Tani looks around as she walks over to join Junior and Lou at the computer table. “Seems like he’d appreciate this kind of thing.”

Junior has set the table to show the previous day’s football game. It’s a slow day.

“Didn’t he go with Adam to get lunch?” Junior asks, not taking his eyes off the screen.

“Nope.” Adam comes into the room and sets two large take-out bags on the computer table. Lou makes a face as his view of a long field goal is blocked, but his smile returns when he opens the first bag.

“You got the good sandwiches,” Lou croons. “I should never have doubted you.”

“You doubted him?” Tani asks, diving into the second bag. “On what basis? Danny says Adam never fails when it comes to sandwiches. Hey, I wanted pastrami, did you get me pastrami?”

“Yes, Tani, I did. And two turkey specials for Steve and Junior.” Adam pulls several large paper wrapped bundles out. “So where is Steve, anyway?”

“He must still be at the governor’s,” Lou says. 

“Wasn’t that meeting at eight?” Junior asks.

“Who knows, a budget review sounds super interesting, maybe he’s making the most of it.” Tani unwraps her sandwich and takes a big bite. “Junes,” she says, her mouth full. “Can I have your pickle?”

Lou hands Tani a napkin as the pickle makes its way over the table. “There’s a new governor in town, maybe she has some plans she wanted to discuss with Steve.”

“Maybe she just wanted to take him out to lunch.” Tani grins at the team, and they all nod in agreement. Clearly the new governor has fallen prey to Steve’s charm. They’re probably at some expensive beachside restaurant right now, Steve regaling the governor with stories of Five-0’s adventures.

*****

The team is wrong.

Steve is not dining out with the governor. He did sweet talk his way through his eight a.m. meeting with her, after which he called Jerry in a panic.

“Hey, man, I know you’re not a full time member of the team anymore, but I could really use your help.”

“I mean, I’m not a member of the team at all, Steve, but come on over.”

Steve hangs up and starts driving. Jerry can do anything with computers. He’ll help him figure this out.

When he gets to Jerry’s place, they hunker down in a basement eerily reminiscent of the one Jerry lived in when they first met. Jerry just shrugs. “If it ain’t broke… so, what can I help you with?”

Three hours go by before Jerry finally convinces Steve that they have to go to the palace.

“Are you sure you can’t just hack into Five-0’s computers?”

“Are you sure you told me to make them completely hack-proof?”

Steve sighs. “Fine, let’s go.”

*****

“Did we just get served?” Adam asks. Tani is standing in the middle of the room holding a white envelope as a man in a trench coat and board shorts hightails it out into the hallway.

“We did.”

“What’s going on?” Junior asks, trying to tug the envelope out of Tani’s hands. She doesn’t let him, just spins around and opens it up herself.

“Huh.”

“What does ‘huh’ mean, exactly?” Lou asks. 

“I’m not completely sure, but it looks like we’re being asked to give testimony.”

“What?” Lou exclaims. “Why?”

Tani frowns. “Apparently Steve is being charged with payroll fraud.”

Before anyone can comment on this, Lou’s phone rings and he picks it up. “It’s McGarrett,” he stage whispers to the team. “Steve, care to fill us in?” Lou puts his phone on speaker so everyone can hear.

“It’s a long story,” Steve says. “But Jerry says he needs us to pull our time records, and that should clear it up.”

Tani chuckles. “Oh, Jerry, he’s such a comedian.”

There’s silence, and then the sound of Jerry whispering something to Steve.

“No, he’s serious. Just pull the time records and we’ll discuss it when we get there. Should just be a few minutes.” Steve hangs up.

Adam looks around the group. “Do any of you keep time records?”

“Um, no,” Tani says. The others shake their heads.

“Maybe HR kept them?”

“Who’s HR?”

“I filled out some paperwork when Steve finally hired me,” Junior says. “Some tax stuff.”

“And you gave it to…?”

Junior squeezes his eyes shut and concentrates. “Danny. I gave it to Danny.”

“I gave Danny my paperwork too,” Tani says, and Adam nods. “Me too.”

“Ok, so if Danny was serving as our informal HR dude, we just have to ask him where the rest of the records are.”

Junior jogs over to Danny’s office, sticks his head in, and comes back to the table. “Danny’s not here.”

“Well of course he’s not here, you doofus. If he was here, he would’ve come out for the sandwiches.” Tani pulls out her phone and dials Danny’s number. It goes to voicemail. She hangs up without leaving a message. “I’m sure Steve talked to him already.”

“Talked to who?” Steve walks into the office, Jerry on his heels (but not literally, ‘cause that would be rude).

“Danny,” Adam says. “To get our time records.”

Steve looks pained. “Danny doesn’t have your time records.” He lets out a deep breath. “Okay, we can figure this out. Where is Danny today, anyway?”

“He’s not here,” Junior says.

“I know he’s not here, obviously he’s not here,” Steve says. “Where is he?”

“You don’t know?” Tani asks.

“Probably on the mainland, or with Grace,” Lou says.

“Or Charlie,” Adam adds, “don’t forget Charlie.”

“Charlie,” Lou says fondly. “That sweet little boy. Of course, of course, Danny’s probably with Charlie. Maybe at a little league game. I remember when my son used to play little league.”

“Wait, how can you actually not know where Danny is?” Tani asks Steve.

“Danny takes time off when he needs to. I don’t keep track or anything.”

“And that, my friends, is your problem,” Jerry says.

Tani snaps her head around – she had forgotten Jerry was there. “What do you mean?”

Jerry steps forward, apparently enjoying being the center of attention. “Steve is being charged with payroll fraud. The allegations include keeping certain individuals on the payroll who no longer work for Five-0, or paying people a full-time salary when they don’t actually work full time. Danny’s at the top of the list.”

“But all we have to do is show that everyone on the payroll is actually on the team, and we’ll be fine. Right, Jerry?” 

Tani can’t help but notice that the hopeful tone in Steve’s voice does not match up with the skeptical look on Jerry’s face.

Jerry starts tapping away on the computer table. “Well, let’s see what we can do. The D.A.’s office gave Steve a list of purported team members, we just need to make sure their list matches up with ours.” Jerry stops tapping for a minute to pull a piece of paper out of his pocket and hand it to Tani. “Read those to me, and we’ll take ‘em one by one.”

Tani unfolds the paper. “Ok…” She scans it quickly. She doesn’t recognize most of the names. “Who is Lori Weston? It says she’s a DHS agent.”

“No, she was on Five-0. Excellent profiler. A great asset,” Steve says.

“But not on the team anymore,” Jerry prompts.

“Well, no.”

“How about Jenna Kaye?”

“Deceased,” Steve says flatly.

“Right, so, no longer on the team,” Jerry murmurs, making a note.

“Catherine Rollins?” Tani asks, with a smirk. “Seems I’ve heard some things about her. Was she ever Five-0?”

“Uh, well,” Steve shrugs. “Not officially, I guess.”

“Sang Min? Gerald Hirsch? Odell – was he the barber? Come on, they’re not Five-0,” Tani says. 

Steve hangs his head and doesn’t answer.

“Odell, I remember him, Lou says. “He’s a good guy. We should get together for a beer with him sometime. But Steve,” Lou steps closer, practically in Steve’s face, “you aren’t paying him a salary, are you? Because that would be…”

“Hard to explain,” Adam says. “Although I know some pretty clever accountants-”

“Hold up, hold up right now with your clever accountants,” Tani says. “Because next on the list is Kono, and I know you didn’t know anything about this, did you, Adam?”

Adam throws up his hands, eyes wide. “No, I did not. Steve, what the hell?” Adam grabs the list out of Tani’s hands. “Chin is on here too.”

The whole team is glaring at Steve now. 

“Maybe it’s some kind of pension?” Jerry suggests. “Something the state came up with, to thank them for their service?”

“Don’t you need to work for like twenty years for that?” Tani asks.

“Don’t worry, I’m gonna take care of this,” Steve says. 

“I hope so,” Tani says, taking the list back from Adam. “Because Danny really is at the top of the list.”

Steve bites his lip. “There’s a perfectly good explanation.”

They all wait to hear it. And then Steve turns and runs out the door.

*****

The next few days are tense. Steve is making charts on a whiteboard that has appeared in his office, but he won’t let anyone in to get a good look at it. Jerry sucks the data out of all the team members’ phones to find support for their full time status. The rest of the team members are given strict instructions not to worry about it. It’s still distracting, but luckily their cases aren’t very interesting this week.

On the third morning, Tani shows up to find Junior, Adam and Lou looking glum.

“Duke was waiting for Steve,” Lou says. “He arrested him.”

Tani feels her mouth drop open. “That’s a joke, right?”

“Yeah, it is.”

She whirls around to see Danny coming out of his office, a shit-eating grin on his face and a box of malasadas in his hands.

“Williams, what the hell is going on?” Lou demands.

“And really, Danny, where have you been?” Adam asks.

“And please, don’t say uh… Grace… uh… mainland…” Tani grumbles.

Danny strides towards them, the picture of smug confidence. “It’s kind of a complicated story,” he begins, putting the bakery box down on the computer table.

“Since when is anything you and Steve get up to not complicated,” Lou asks, pulling out a li hing powder malasada.

“Patience, people. It’ll all make sense soon,” Danny says. “I’ve been on an ongoing long-term undercover op. Investigating some fraud cases, white collar crime stuff that the department wanted to clean up. And I got to be close with some of the guys in HPD’s accounting division. One thing led to another, see, and so after Steve started getting on my case about how the work I was doing was cutting into our time together, which was totally not my fault, by the way, I decided to mess around with him a little.”

Lou looks baffled. “Back up there just a minute. How long, exactly, have you been undercover?”

“About two years. But it’s not consistent, sometimes they need me for a few days or a week, then I’m off and back with you guys for a month.” 

“You’re kidding, right?” Adam asks.

“I still think it’s a joke,” Tani says.

“It is, but not the undercover op part,” Danny carefully takes a malasada out of the box and takes a bite, without getting any sugar on his shirt. “I actually got the idea from Steve ages ago. There was a month when I was so busy with a fraud case that I was hardly at Five-0, and then we got a night off. We had both had too much to drink, and we were kinda too wasted to, uh, go through with our plans for the evening. Steve was annoyed. He said he wished we could take a vacation so I could make it up to him, except that now I couldn’t, because I’d used all my vacation days. He even threatened to write me up for poor attendance.”

Danny actually looks fond as he tells this story. Tani is beginning to think there is more to his partnership with Steve than just chasing perps and grilling on weekends.

“So you came up with this whole thing just to pull his chain?” Tani asks. “Isn’t it kind of elaborate?”

Danny grins. “Gotta keep a relationship fresh, right? But honestly, I think I’m actually a little insulted that none of you caught on to my undercover gig. Where did you guys think I was all those times?”

The team mumbles out their answers. “Grace…” “Mainland…” “Charlie?” 

Danny doesn’t look impressed. “Steve was right about one thing - nobody keeps track of our days off, and the governor really does give us enough rope to hang ourselves with. That’s how I knew he’d fall for this.”

“So, Kono isn’t really still on the payroll?” Adam asks. “Or Chin, or Catherine?”

“Of course not! Even if our paperwork were that sloppy, do you think any of them would accept pay for a job they weren’t doing?” Danny shakes his head. “I’ll tell you another secret – gullible isn’t in the dictionary.”

“Okay, enough with the dad jokes,” Tani says. “You know Steve is going to kill you for this, right? Like, actually kill you?”

Junior perks up, as if he is going to volunteer to stand between them in a gunfight, and Tani puts a calming hand on his shoulder.

“Nah, he’ll be okay.” Danny glanced at his watch. “But I’ve got to go. Duke’s driving Steve out to the house I rented for the weekend, and I want to be there first to surprise him. It’s a great place on the north shore, right on the beach, killer surf. It’s got a hot tub, too, and plenty of privacy.” Danny’s grin edges into a leer. “By the time we come back to the office next week, all will be forgiven, you’ll see.”

Danny shoots them one last smirk and the team watches silently as he strides out of the office, a swing in his step.

“Well,” Tani says, taking a moment to absorb the fact that she apparently isn’t the only team member who appreciates how nice Danny’s ass looks in his fitted slacks, “I think Danny just let us in on another secret. And it’s way more interesting than payroll fraud.”

Any further discussion is put on hold when Lou gets a call about a witness they’ve been looking for, and he and Adam head out to question him. Junior and Tani pull up the suspect’s information on the screen, and start looking into his credit card and bank account history.

But Tani can’t quite focus on the job just yet.

“Junes, if Danny was implying what I think he was implying… how could you not know?”

Junior shrugs. 

“Come on, you live with Steve. Are you that oblivious?”

Junior turns to her. “Who said I was oblivious? Maybe I’m just respecting my boss’s privacy.” He pauses for a moment, to see if Tani is buying it. “Or, you know, maybe I just wasn’t sure. It’s not as if they’ve ever done anything in front of me.”

“Down the hall, maybe?” Tani asks.

Junior frowns. “I don’t eavesdrop.”

“And tell me this – if they’re together, why was Danny trying to set Steve up with someone else?”

Junior ducks his head, and Tani slides over to his side of the table and forces him to meet her gaze. 

“Junior? Out with it.”

Junior sighs. “It’s really none of my business. But I think… I think they may be into threesomes.”

“What?” Tani bounces a little bit and grabs Junior’s arm. “Spill. Right now.”

“It’s nothing, I mean, Danny’s around the house all the time, you know? I never thought much of it, the two of them are close, it’s just how they are. But one night Steve was hustling around, straightening up, making a salad or something, waiting for Danny to come over. I was getting ready to go to my dad’s. And Steve sees me pulling on my jacket and turns to me and says ‘you could join us if you want.’”

“You could join us? That’s it?”

“And then Danny walks in, and he makes a beeline for Steve, but then he notices me standing there and kind of gives me a once over, like really kind of sexy, then glances back at Steve. Steve shakes his head a little and says ‘Junior’s going out.’ They both said goodbye, and I left.”

“That’s it? That’s your evidence?”

“That and Danny trying to set Steve up. Yeah, that’s it.” Junior pulls his phone out; he’s clearly done with speculating about his boss. “I’m going to make some calls, see if we can confirm that our witness was in town last week.”

Junior might be done with the topic, but Tani still can’t let it go. She goes into her office and sends a quick text to Danny. 

_Let me know if you need some help calming Steve down. I bet your hot tub’s big enough for three._


End file.
